Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Today's Warm Up Comedian for The Wells Report!

Listener, Roger from Ft. Worth sent The Wells Report a funny e-mail about actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos during stops. 
He is today's warm-up comedian that comes on just before the main event to warm you up and get you thinking. Thanks Roger!

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

4. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

5. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

6. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

7. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

8. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

9. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

10. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

11. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

12. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

13. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

If you have something to share for Today's Warm Up Comedian, send an e-mail to

1 comment:

  1. I must've missed the email link here. I was surprised by your stance about prisons today. I thought you were a bit more libertarian.
    You said that everybody that buys marijuana is contributing to the deaths in mexico. It's estimated that about 60% of the drug killings in mexico are because of our marijuana laws. Alcohol and cigarettes kill far more people each year than marijuana ever could (if you don't count the mexicans that kill each other just to supply americans with it). How can you be so against the massive inefficiency and government waste of the tsa, but not the massive waste and failure of marijuana prohibition. I can't bring myself to think that you don't know the history and usefulness of the plant. I also can't believe that you've never bothered to look up the statistics for how many people have directly died from it vs afore mentioned legal substances and how much money governments are paid per prisoner.



News/Talk 660 K-SKY | 6400 Belt Line Road, Suite 110 Irving, Texas 75063 | (214) 561-9660